I recently read an article in The New York Times “Why Holding a Grudge Is So Satisfying” by Alex McElroy. It addressed humanity’s tendency to hold onto every little wrong that has been done to us over the years. McElroy detailed how because of the various slights, he maintains ill feelings about those who have hurt him in any way. The ending offered no hope for the future, only an acknowledgement of this habit within himself.
As I read, I began to feel the lack of hope and light in the story. The author offered no way out of this cycle of holding grudges. I reached the end of the story thinking, “What’s the point?” What is the point of airing out all of your grievances if you offer no hope for progress within yourself at the end?
Many people have this mentality about grudges. Because grudges give us some level of control over a situation where we did not have control, we prefer to let them fester and grow until they become too large for us to control. This is a dangerous moment because we can often cause great harm to others by holding on to grudges.
Just imagine: A waitress at a fine dining restaurant on the main street of your town is a little short with you during service. You vow never to go back to the restaurant. A month later, a good friend asks you to attend her birthday celebration at the same restaurant because it is her favorite. You refuse, not wanting to give up control, and you explain to your friend that you don’t want to be put in the same uncomfortable situation. Your friend is incredibly hurt, and the relationship suffers.
The scary thing about this scenario is that in the mindset of a grudge-holder, your logic sounds perfectly reasonable in your own mind, it is through this blindness that you damage the people around you.
One of the easiest places to create a grudge is the workplace. Throughout the day, there is always something that evades your control. A coworker might leave you to write a report for your supervisor. Your cubicle neighbor keeps interrupting you while you are trying to finish that email to a client you have been working on for over an hour. The list of possible offences goes on.
It is so easy to allow these small moments to influence our greater consideration of the people we work with. Because of one small slight, we may begin doubting our coworkers ability to perform any task successfully. We begin isolating ourselves from the community of the organization, all the while believing we are in the right. Workplaces must foster an atmosphere of support and forgiveness, otherwise the organization itself must suffer. David Hume, the famous Scottish Enlightenment scholar described the consequences of choosing isolation over cooperation in this narrative:
“Your corn is ripe today; mine will be so tomorrow. 'Tis profitable for us both, that I should labour with you today, and that you should aid me tomorrow. I have no kindness for you, and know you have as little for me. I will not, therefore, take any pains upon your account; and should I labour with you upon my own account, in expectation of a return, I know I should be disappointed, and that I should in vain depend upon your gratitude. Here then I leave you to labour alone; You treat me in the same manner. The seasons change; and both of us lose our harvests for want of mutual confidence and security.”
In this quote, Hume aptly depicts the stubbornness of humanity, where we would rather be right than have the opportunity to reap a plentiful harvest.
Obviously we cannot allow this cycle of grudge-holding to continue. But how is it possible to break this cycle and institute a new order both within ourselves and the organization we work for? In short, how do we forgive when every fiber of our being cries out for us not to?
Here is the practice that has only ever led me to acceptance and forgiveness, and it’s going to sound a lot like what Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games does to keep away the nightmares.
I make a list of everything good about the person that has supposedly offended me. It can be something as noticeable as how they always offer the last treat in the office break room to the coworker who has a six-year-old child, or how when they are bored in a meeting, they draw smiley faces on their notes. It can be as small as finding some way to compliment them, on their appearance, their quality of work, their respectfulness to clients, etc.
Granted, this may be a difficult thing to do in the beginning. Hearts and minds that are in the habit of thinking the worst of people are often difficult to break free from the shackles of hate. However, if you make an active effort every day to think one good thing about a coworker that annoys you in some way, you will find that the number of good things outweigh the bad.
This does not have to only be done with coworkers you have a grudge against. Try to have a mental or physical list of the good things you notice in everyone you work with, and you just might find that your heart and mind are not so predisposed to look for the worst in people.
The best quality I can imagine in a person is the ability to forgive unabashedly. These people see all the good and bad deeds that others do, and still choose to separate the wheat from the chaff, and focus on the good that others have to offer. I strive every day to focus on the harvest waiting to be gathered, and I hope my tips on forgiveness lead you to peace in the workplace and within yourself.
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